So Heartless…

*As written by Rachel Tenn for*

“She could be beautiful and warm on the outside, but inside, she’s cold because that’s what years of heartbreak will do to a girl.”

Cold. Heartless. Callous. Jaded. Alone. Here is the story of a girl who has lived anything but a fairytale. Instead, she got her heart broken one too many times, trusted too many times, chose the wrong person too many times.

Once upon a time, this girl was probably normal… if you can call it that. Willing to trust, willing to love, willing to let herself be candid with someone. But, following that came the heartbreak, the betrayal, the rejection. Take this story and multiply it by five or 10, and you have the finished product: a heartless, jaded girl.

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Used to Love Him

“I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose?”

~I used to love him

The one and only studio album from one of hip-hop’s greatest female emcees, “I Used to Love Him” off Lauryn Hill’s “The MisEducation of Lauryn Hill” is definitely one of the songs that allows listeners and fans to live her love for Wyclef during their affair. 

Enjoy B.


 ~Disclaimer~ I did not write this but I can relate. It’s a profound post that at this point in my life I can relate to. I think at some point we all wear a mask, whether it’s to hide who we are from ourselves or someone else. The only person we end up hurting is ourselves. Enjoy ~B~
I don’t know why I would always ask him “Do you love me,” because even if and when he replied “yes,” it was still a lie…. Unbeknownst to him though. “Yes” would never be the truth because he didn’t even know me. Everything he thought he knew, and liked, and loved about me was a facade. I loved him so much I made myself be who I had to be for him to like me, claim me, flaunt me, spoil me, love me, and come home to me at night. He wasn’t even a perfect man but it was his way or no way. Although I was happy, I hated myself everyday for betraying myself. I sold my soul to stay in his good graces. And never did I need this man but I felt like I deserved him. But waking up everyday being someone else becomes tiring. It hurt me that only my disguise could make him as happy as it did. When he smiled at me, had sex with me, called me, it was all with a stranger. I hinted and warned him so many times that I was not who he thought I was, but that I just loved him enough to compromise. But in reality, I went far beyond compromise…. I stole someone else’s identity. To him I was submissive. passive, naive, sheltered, trustworthy, patient, calm, emotional, and generous. But that was not even ME. I was a BEAST with a costume on. There were so many times my cover could have been blown but I liked my life as a character. But every time I looked in the mirror, I would be staring at the villain I truly was. I missed being me. Although not perfect, it was MUCH easier. I was tired of remembering my lies. I was tired of holding my tongue. I was tired of faking orgasms. I was tired of being the best actress with no Oscars to show for it. It killed me to say goodbye. And even until this very day, he doesn’t know who I am but my life as an “alien” made me love and appreciate myself to an infinite power. I truly loved him for him though because I had to conform to his flaws. But his love for me was not real. He loved who I created for him. I miss us. I miss being in limbo. I did inception on him. I regret misleading him and I regret betraying myself. But I am now relieved that I have burned that mask and everyday when I wake up I can finally be who I was born. 

A Moment of Truth

Have you ever walked past the mirror and had to double back because you weren’t quite certain that the reflection was your own? You stand there looking trying to figure out when did your hair get so stringy, when did you lose so much weight and when did you age so rapidly? A better question would be “When did I lose sight of who I am?” Women are the most powerful creatures created by the higher power, women are also highly emotional by nature. No matter how tough a woman appears to be deep down there is a little girl who is as delicate as a flower. Too many times we trust and expect others to care for us as we would care for ourselves, nobody and I mean NOBODY is going to take care of you like you ( or so we think).

There are times in life where we find ourselves questioning our choices and motives, even as adults we tend to not make the best decisions. Be it our choice in a mate, a car, a job or even something as simple as what to eat for dinner some choices aren’t the right ones. There will be times we will have to suffer the consequences for our actions and choices, that’s a part of life. But it is our mistakes that make our fate, we learn from the past (at least we are supposed to). Too many times we hold on to things of the past and become complacent living in the “woulda, coulda, shouldas” and before you know it life has passed you by. It comes with age and wisdom that we realize that in order to enjoy the present you have to let go of the past. Nothing about life is going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean you have to make things harder.


“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” ~Carrie Bradshaw