Married or Single? Pick a Box

When you fill out a job application or a credit application and you get to the “Marital Status” question you are offered on of five options; “Married”, “Single”, “Seperated”, “Divorced” or “Widowed”. (never married is sometimes an added irrelevant option it’s the same as single). Nowhere on that application is there a box for “in a long-term relationship” or “living with my boyfriend”. Only on Facebook can you claim “In a relationship” or “It’s complicated”. marital-status-optionsTo put it plainly, society does not acknowledge a relationship that has not been consummated by marriage. Many, myself included believe that a piece of paper should not be needed to validate your love for someone, unfortunately unless you have that piece of paper you are single. You generally can not go to your job’s human resource office and say “I want to cover my girlfriend on my insurance” (unless this a domestic partner which is ass backwards if you ask me. The fact that a same-sex domestic partnership will be acknowledged before a “relationship” is baffling) I know this is a shocking thing for some but unfortunately it’s the truth and the truth hurts. It used to be that  you could live with someone for seven years and common law in Missouri acknowledged this as a marriage, that law was abolished in 1921. People will argue that a relationship is just as worthy to be acknowledged as a marriage, while I will agree I will also disagree. The sanctity of a relationship is up to you and your girlfriend/boyfriend not others, marriage is respected by all because it is something that was adorned under the eye of GOD. This is no way a religious post, however, as quoted in the good book; “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31). “To be united with wife not his babymama or his girlfriend”, although, the Bible does not specifically state it is wrong for an adult man and adult woman who are unrelated to live together, it condemns sexual intimacy before marriage and it reveals that God has only one plan for a man and woman living together – marriage.Wedding Ring
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Tellin’ it Like it is Tuesday

*Deep Sigh* I have to take a deep breath before beginning this blog post, mainly because of the nature of the topic. It’s no secret that I am a survivor of seven years of domestic violence. This is not something that I am proud of however it is not something that I am ashamed of either it is a part of my life that I can not erase nor forget. I have spoken out on many occasions against domestic abuse including traveling to Hollywood, California to appear on a segment of Dr. Phil speaking against domestic violence and helping a young woman break free. I am no angel nor am I the best person one will ever meet but like any other women I never deserved to be abused. But this post is not about my situation, so I won’t go into any further details about what I endured years back. I am a survivor if nothing else.

Not long ago most of us tuned in to watch the train wreck that is Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. We watched week after week unable to look away from what we all knew was pure foolery and indeed setting us as blacks back into slavery. One of the show’s “stars” was singer K. Michelle, K. was able to gain our attention with her voice however she pulled at our heartstrings with her story of abuse at the hands of a “music producer” who was supposed to help her career once she had signed to Jive Records. Long story short, K. talks about how he blew through her money and then one day proceeded to beat her ass to no end. K. due to a gag order couldn’t say the producer’s name in conjunction with the show, however it wasn’t log before the internet started buzzing and we found out that she was talking about Memphitz. As the show continues cameras and time expose K. Michelle for the person she really is. She admits to being crazy and having issues, but she is also verbally and physically abusive to other women. (As we saw during her altercation with Karlie Red) 

“WOOOO this bitch is shaking the table!”

In a later episode of the show K. speaks to young girls about domestic violence, you can’t help but to tear up as she speaks about her struggles while all dressed up in a wedding gown with theatrical make-up on her face to simulate abuse. Following the monologue she is confronted that she may not be telling the truth about her abuse, that that’s maybe something that wasn’t done to her. (Of course in true K. Michelle fashion she goes off). There has yet to be proof of the is alleged abuse, no police reports, no arrests, no picture, no NOTHING. However we have seen plenty of footage of K. verbally bashing others, admitting to being crazy and throwing silverware. So the validity in her story is hard to believe, yet K. Michelle is standing up to speak against domestic violence, she is now a spokeswoman for this epidemic? See her PSA here:

Then we have Evelyn Lozada,  the “bad girl” of Basketball Wives, we have watched her bully the meekest of women week after week. From Tammi (well Tammi held her own) to Jennifer to Kenya, Ev has shown her ass by jumping over tables, hitting people with clutches to throwing wine bottles. I don’t have to recap the Chad and Ocho drama but Ev is now “standing against” domestic violence. Unfortunately it is hard to believe that Lozada was not the aggressor in the situation when she has repeatedly been violent towards others. (Others being women) Kind of like the boy who cried wolf, and we all know how that story ends.

No woman should ever be hit by a man, that goes without saying and there is never any excuse for domestic violence. However, when two women are in a relationship and one beats on the other it is considered DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! When two women get into an altercation and one threatens the other it is a CRIME! When two women are fighting on the street and one HEADBUTTS the other it is ASSAULT! I say all that to say, these two women are not the face of domestic violence or anti-violence, they are the faces of VIOLENCE! Rhianna never once spoke out about becoming an advocate for domestic violence cause she knew her ass had put her hands on Chris Brown just as he put his hands on her. You can’t tell me about being a survivor or being abused and beaten when you are an abuser yourself, what makes putting your hands on another woman any different from a man putting his hands on you? Cause you’re a woman? Naw, ain’t nobody got time for that! Domestic Violence doesn’t look like K. Michelle or Evelyn Lozada, it looks like Sarah Vaughn(The Valedictorian from Vashon High School who was strangled and killed by her boyfriend) or Anna Mae Bullock!

Lawless Misconduct

Unbeknownst to most I am the daughter of two police officers, my father who died in the line of duty when I was 15 was a decorated Sgt. for Pagedale and my mother was a St. Louis City police officer for over a decade before deciding to leave the law enforcement field when I was 12. Not to mention I also had a step-father who retired from the STL City narcotics division, as well as an uncle who was an officer for the LAPD. ( It also didn’t help that ALL of my mother’s closet friends were also police officers, I had no chance growing up)  Being raised in a family full of law enforcement is similar to being a “PK” (preacher’s kid) the best is expected of you at all times so that you don’t cause embarrassment to your family who “prides” themselves on following the law down to the t. It goes without saying that for the most part my family and those close to them did all they could to be upstanding citizens, for one you can’t enforce a law that you don’t follow. How do you expect people to take you seriously as an officer if your conduct is that of a criminal? (You can’t!) Over the years the level of distrust and disrespect of police officers has increased.

Just recently in the news there has been a story about some police officer being on the wrong side of the law just about every week. How is that I would get arrested for drunk driving but  a police officer (someone who knows all the laws cause they spent 6 months in the academy studying them and took an oath to uphold them) can? A normal person would face jail time, probation, license suspension and some other embarrassing shit. A police officer on the other hand gets a slap on the wrist and a write-up from his department. More and more there are stories in the news about police officers breaking the law, two East Saint Louis police officers are under the gavel for forcing a woman to engage in sexual acts after pulling her over and finding an open container in her car. Before taking the woman to local park they took her home where they found her young children home alone. Instead of taking her to jail and calling the proper authorities to come take the children they left the kids alone again to go force her to do dirty little favors? (All the free p***y in this world and these men, these POLICE OFFICERS have to forcibly get it?)  Here is the full link to the story:

That badge for so many who carry them equates to power in their mind, when in reality it don’t mean shit if you using it for the wrong purpose. How you going to enforce something on me and you dirtier than the ground you walking on? Many times I have come across young hot head cops who believe that their gun and badge make them invincible. Walk around off duty flexing with their gun on their side like that means something when so many people have guns now days. It is sad to think that as civilian citizens we have to be more fearful of police than we are of criminals. If you can’t trust the people who get paid to protect you then who can you trust? In all honesty you can’t tell me shit about the law, cause I have witnessed for myself growing up dirty cops and how they move just as much as I have seen what a good cop looks like. Not all police are bad but they all are getting a bad wrap because of the inner workings of police departments. People always ask why I never became a cop, first of all I don’t like to run, second and most importantly I don’t want the stigma of all cops being bad and ultimately becoming a target on me. I also believe that police who don’t work according to the law or those who are complete assholes were picked on in school and have insecurities and need to feel more important than they really are.

Moral of this story: The purpose of becoming a law enforcement officer is to enforce the laws not break them because you think you can. In the words of NWA “FUCK THE POLICE!”

These are just the random thoughts of a cop’s only daughter..who am I?

"Death of the Baby Mama" – as written for the St. Louis Evening Whirl

Why is it that there are way more baby mamas out there than wives? Who’s fault is that? And is the traditional family just a thing of the past? Those questions crossed my mind and I got to investigating. Here’s something that I ran across…..

“It occurred to us from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it–that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished–as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved and most of all to the family.”~Source “In This Life Together with Ossie and Ruby” A joint biography page 317.
I have always admired Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis, who at the time of his death in 2005 had been married for 56 years. It amazed me that even in the world of Hollywood they remained true to themselves and each other and did what worked best for them. It was crazy in reading their joint biography that I learned that what worked for them was having an open marriage. As I read further I came across a quote by Ruby, “But we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like rediscovery of something from the beginning. But often Ossie has said-and I’ve thought too-the best way to have somebody is the let it go. If it doesn’t come back you are free in another kind of sense-in that you find the strength to let go and wish somebody well.”
During one of my many debates I was hit with the question, “How can you be a wife if you have no idea what being a wife looks like?” This was food for thought that caused me to really question what a healthy marriage looks like. What does being a wife truly mean? Girls these days are so quick to refer to themselves as “wifey” when they have no clue what being a wife looks like. Growing up I was exposed to healthy relationships and marriages from a very young age. Although I was raised by my mother, I spent a lot of time with my Granny who as of this past July has been married to my grandfather for over 30 years.

It’s sad to say but people don’t stay married that long anymore, our generation is full of men and women who are content with being a baby-mama or baby-daddy. In my opinion this is completely backwards, why would you set yourself up to have to raise your child or children alone? There is no security of any kind in just being a “baby-mama”. I don’t want to sound like the pot calling the kettle black, because I am a “baby-mama”, however growing up that was never in the plan this is also one mistake I will never make again. In no way am I discrediting any woman who has had children out of wedlock but I know from experience that isn’t what women want. We want a family. As I get older and come closer to my 30’s I am preparing myself to be a wife. (Notice I said WIFE, not live-in, not wifey). One thing that is a constant teaching for me is that GOD created woman, one of his greatest creations, and he made us from man to be with man. It is also my belief that in taking the time to create ME, GOD created someone just for me in his likeness. I have said it before and I will say it again, we get so comfortable in not being committed that we give ourselves to people who are undeserving and unappreciative. Not only do we end up baby-mamas but we end up being looked at as “hoes” and we all know ain’t no man interested in turning a hoe into a housewife.

I don’t think any woman wakes up one day and says “I feel like being somebody’s baby-mama”, but plenty of women wake up with the thought of being someone’s wife. Every man has a different idea of what his wife should look like, act like etc., but the idea of what a wife should be should be the same across the board. Most young women (not all) were raised in the era of single mothers, so a wife is not something they saw daily. The role of a woman has become lost in what I like to call a gender war. Women want to be so head strong in their independence to compete with men, that the idea of doing for a man or taking care of home becomes null and void. Most men who were raised by their mother or grandmother tend to want a woman who will mirror the life they had growing up. A woman who cooks, cleans, listens and comforts. A woman who is always his help never his hurt, a woman who takes pride in taking care of her home (husband and children included) with no complaints. A woman who does all of this while, maintaining her own independence by working and going to school and is confident in herself and her spirituality is what defines a wife.
Show me a man that says this isn’t what he wants and I’ll show you a man who is a liar. This generation of women thinks that cooking for a man makes her submissive or docile. That’s just too much of a burden because she goes to school and works all day. I call that just being stubborn. If women say that they can do it all they can’t claim that taking care of a family that includes a husband is too much. Does school and work stop that same woman from cooking and caring for her children without the presence of their father or any other man? Women today have too many don’t do’s and wont do’s all tied up into being independent. But depending on a family isn’t something to fear or be ashamed of. Doing for a husband has rewards that so-called independence can’t have. Today’s women don’t realize that marriage is a partnership. If she cooks one night he’ll cook another if that’s what THEY come up with as a team. Husbands and wives are supposed to be teammates playing the game of life together. And who wouldn’t appreciate the security of a reliable partner. So instead of putting conditions on what we as women won’t do or bow down to we need to think of what we will and must do if we want to be wives. Please believe the saying is true, what you won’t do another woman will. But women apply that common wisdom more to sex than to anything else. Even something as simple as a home cooked meal can set you apart from the baby-mamas of the world. Add the willingness to work in cooperation with a man instead of beating him in the head withour so-called independence and instead of being alone women may find that “good man” we all say we are looking for.

You don’t lose your identity because you become a wife, you simply take on a new one and intertwine with another. Women don’t understand that anymore. We have as much responsibility in making a family work as a man does. And you can’t have a family if you have to be “independent.” We have to re-learn how to be inter-dependant and a part of a team.

“Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them”