An Open Letter to Shawn James (Freelance Writer)

*It took me a while to decide HOW exactly to respond to an August 27th, 2012 blog post written by Shawn James titled “Why Real Men Avoid Single Mothers“.  Not because I am a single mother and was offended but because who is he that he deserves to be made relevant? Does his opinion really matter that much four years later? Well, apparently it does and the internet has convinced him that his life and his words matter. So here goes.*

Dear Shawn,

Before I rip you to shreds in the most polite, motherly and classy way that I know possible for your brave yet feeble attempt to degrade single mothers I would like to commend you on your becoming relevant (nearly 4 years after your article was published might I add). You successfully found a way to ensure that your life matters; I’m sure your mother is proud of you. For weeks I have purposely tip-toed past your “article”  simply based on the title “Why Real Men Avoid Single Mothers”, then my friend decided it was something I needed to read simply so he and I could touch on a few of your talking points. [Some of which have validity while others don’t hold water] Let’s start at the top and work our way down shall we?

Why? Because dating a single mother is just a HEADACHE. Dealing with these women is a recipe for drama, drama, and more drama. Seriously, these women are just not worth the grief. They’re stranded in 18+ years of Hell and they’re looking for someone to be company to join them in their misery. ~Shawn, are you by chance a single mother? Assuming you have a penis I will venture to say no. Do you have children who are being raised by their mother alone? Or were you raised by one? Better yet, what child’s single mother hurt you so deeply that you feel single mothers are “stranded”  in 18+ years of hell? One can only assume that you are speaking from experience because otherwise your unsubstantiated facts are merely the opinion of a lonely man who spends his days behind a computer looking for ways to tear down women. Let’s keep moving.

“Never Available A single Mother’s schedule is never open. Single mothers are the kind of women to always cancel dates at the last-minute. Something always gets in the way of a man spending time with her. It’s hard to have a relationship with her because she’s never there.” ~Clearly you have never dated a woman with any kind of real and true responsibility because ALL women cancel dates last-minute. While it is true a single mother’s schedule is often full, we make time for what and WHO we want. [Is it possible nobody wanted you so they found reasons to NEVER be available for YOU? Possibly]

“YOU are NOT a priority. Usually in a relationship the man winds up DEAD LAST. Behind, her kids, her job, the car, the kitchen sink, the stopped up toilet. Even the dog gets more attention and affection than a man involved with a single mother. Any man who gets involved with a single mother winds up a fifth stringer in a relationship. And he rarely ever gets called up to play.” ~ Until a man takes on the role of a HUSBAND, yes he does come second to a woman’s child/children; once vows are taken and last names are changed then and only then should a man come before a woman’s child/children. A man who experienced dating any kind of woman would also know that SHE is and always will be HER first priority, if that includes her job, her car and her dog then so be it; you’re only DATING. Be not weary though Shawn, a real mother places herself low on the list of priorities also so you’re in good company being in fifth place.

“Thinks the world revolves around HER and ONLY HER. A single mother is one of the biggest narcissists on the dating scene. She often thinks that a man has to drop everything in his life to be part of hers and her kids. They’re so selfish they don’t think a man has needs, wants or a life of his own. He’s just supposed to be there to give her everything she wants in life.” ~This completely contradicts your previous reasoning why “real men” avoid dating single mothers. How in the world would one thinks the world revolves around her when she has so many other things she places before her? Selfish? A woman who gave life and clearly takes care of her children because she has no time for a man is selfish? You sure? Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes. I think you used this word a little loosely.

“Emotionally Unavailable– Most Single mothers cannot form an intimate connection with a man because her feelings are invested in other people. Usually her primary focus is on her children.” I’m not really forming a complete connection between the feelings a woman has for her children and those she has for a man. The two do not correlate properly my dear sweet Shawn so I will keep moving.

“In addition to dedicating herself to her children, most single mothers have given their hearts to someone else their children’s father. And those feelings she still has for him will always prevent her from getting closer to you. There will always be some distance between a single mother and the new man in her life.” ~This just made me laugh so loud. Who hurt you?

“The ex/ Baby Daddy is ALWAYS THERE. A man just doesn’t deal with a single mother. He deals with her ex or her baby daddy as well. And this guy is always hovering around like a helicopter looking to cockblock you. Some of these guys still think they have a shot at getting back with her. Others just don’t want to see her happy. A lot of these dudes want to fight over her. Seriously, it’s a game they’re playing with each other. And they’ll be playing that game with each other until their children turn 18 or 21. Head for the exit. It’s just not worth dealing with this fool and his insecure bullshit” ~I am convinced you have never even had a serious relationship with ANY woman. There will ALWAYS be another man who wants her and is willing to fight for her and over her. Any real man will BE around to take care of his responsibilities, and to ensure the man around his child/children is one of good character. Does that mean he still wants the mother? No!

“The kids are working AGAINST YOU When dealing with a single mother you also deal with Kids. Kids who still in their little heart of hearts think that Dad will come back and love them.

Seriously, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Those kids will HATE YOU. They will act out to keep you from getting closer to mommy. They will make accusations against you to get you in trouble. Again, it’s just not worth dealing with the bullshit to get with a female. There are four billion women in the world. You can find a quality female who doesn’t carry all this baggage or give you this much grief.” ~ LOL! This tickled me like Elmo. I’m laughing too hard to even formulate a rebuttal.

“Entitled attitude Single mothers think because she had a baby out-of-wedlock the world owes her EVERYTHING. And she thinks she’s the one who deserves the best. Even though she’s usually collecting welfare, food stamps, or child support, in eyes she’s still supposed to be treated like she’s a queen because she popped a kid out of her vagina.” ~I’m sorry I’ve never been on welfare, seen a food stamp and don’t receive child support and my son is almost eleven. No I am not a Queen because I popped a kid out of my vagina (I was actually cut open and he was pulled out) I am a Queen because GOD saw fit to give me the ability to GIVE LIFE. I am a MOTHER!

“Distorted self-image Single mothers still thinks she’s as sexy like she was before she had a baby. Only she doesn’t understand how her body has changed. In some cases for the worse.

Single mothers are the type to try to squeeze themselves into sexy outfits like low-rise jeans and cropped T-shirts to show off their belly button, not seeing the muffin top and stretch marks squeezing out over the top of their pants. They’re the type to stuff themselves into slinky spandex dresses, (not aware of that gut, and the cellulite on their asses) and head out to the club. She thinks men are supposed to run up on her offering to buy her drinks. And because a few thirsty simps step to her, she thinks she’s still got it. But the only people who wants what she has to offer are scavengers at the bottom of the social scene.”~ Here is where I would attack your personal appearance and those shirts I’ve noticed you squeeze yourself into, but instead I will just say if it comes in my size I’m going to wear it. Now, as a mother and woman with class about myself I know what is suitable and what is not. How would a man know a woman has children if they are in the club? Are the kids there? Are they waiting in the car? This is one of those points I referenced earlier that come with no validity.

Meet Shawn James. Arthur of "Why Real Men Avoid Dating Single Mothers"

Meet Shawn James.
Arthur of “Why Real Men Avoid Dating Single Mothers”

“Always the victim. Single Mothers never take responsibility for their actions. The situation they’re in is always the fault of that “no good man”, “these damn kids” their mother or someone else. They never take any time to do any self-examination or make any efforts to change their lives. They’re still looking for some Rich Incredibly Handsome Man™ to put on a cape and play Captain Save-A-Hoe™, sweep her off her feet and take her out of the troubling situation she helped make.” ~I’m getting so bored with you and these absolute statements. There are many women looking for a man to save them or a rich man to take care of them, NOT just single mothers.

“Jekyll & Hyde Personality. A single mother will be the sweetest thing when a man first dates her, but a few months into a relationship she turns into a NUTJOB.”~ Another absolute statement that can be applied to all women. NEXT!

“Drama Queen. Because a single mother always sees herself as a victim of society, she’s always talking about her problems. And she always has a new trouble to bring everyone. There’s never a good day in the life of a single mother because there’s always some new crisis about to emerge in her life. The reason single mothers need the drama is because it makes them feel important. It makes people pay attention to them.”  ~I almost feel sorry for you and want to hug you like your mother should have. You clearly need further nurturing than you received. Any woman with a life experiences drama, unexpected crisis and emergencies DAILY.

“Manipulative In most cases, a single mother has no interest in a man she’s dating. In a lot of cases she’s just using a guy as a pawn. In most cases she’s dating to make her Baby  Daddy jealous. Deep down in her heart of hearts she believes that if she’s seen with someone else who sees her as valuable that he’ll see her as valuable and take her back. In other cases when she’s not trying to get a rise out of Baby Daddy she’s playing the sympathy card™ using a guy to get gifts, free dinners and free drinks out of him. To a single mother, The men in her lives are just human ATM machines where she whispers a sweet nothing in his ear like a PIN number and money comes out of his wallet.” ~Shawn, really? LOL Seriously, tell me who hurt you? Any kind of woman can be a gold digger and use a man for his money.

“Dishonest. A single mother is a LIAR. It’s how she gets what she wants. It’s how she manipulates people. It’s how she takes care of her kids. It’s how she survives in this world. Single mothers lie. And they LIE ALL THE TIME. They lie to men about their age, their height, their weight, how many kids they have, the job they do.” ~Hello Shawn, I’m Brendolyn, I’m 30, 5″2, 135 and I have one son who is eleven anymore questions? One could only assume from this post that these are things that you witnessed your mother do.

“Carries Baggage, baggage and more baggage A single mother has more issues than Time and Newsweek combined. And when she’s looking for a man, she’s not looking for an equal caring partner. She’s looking for a Pullman Porter™ to take care of her kids, and clean up her messes with her childrens’ father. Brothers, don’t let yourself get sized up for the white jacket and the bow tie! ~We all have issues and baggage unless you’re a nun or a monk. You are stereotyping all single mothers as if you have completed a survey with the Census Bureau and these are facts when you have not.

Shawn, you are/were an attention seeking nerd who has probably never been on a real date when you created “Why Real Men Avoid Dating Single Mothers”.  Your point, while some valid and others complete bullshit are laughable and ridiculous.  Only other weirdos who were bullied in high school and get overlooked as grown men  by women daily would agree with these points. I think I speak for all women but especially mothers when I say, You should have been swallowed! No woman in her right mind is going to date you. So tonight [and every night going forward] while you’re home alone hugging your pillow, know that somewhere in the world a single mother is being dated and loved by a REAL MAN, not an internet weirdo like yourself.

Peace and Blessings!