“I’m not into committing myself to things I can’t walk away from. Like marriage and children.” ~E. Rob
I don’t think I have ever heard a more direct and honest statement than the one quoted above come from a woman when speaking in terms of relationships and marriage. Funny thing about it is, I was able to relate 100% to her. I have written in-depth about the want for “happily ever after” in my life, the desire to one day become a bride. (Notice I said Bride not Wife) there is something to be said about that which I will explore at a later time. As a young woman who is vastly approaching her thirties it may seem strange for me to openly and honestly admit that I may not want the storybook happily ever after, after all.
It is not fair to assume that because I won’t commit that I have a fear of responsiblity (as this comes with committment), unlike my above quoted comrade I am a mother and that in itself is one of life’s greatest commitments and responsibilities. (I mean, you are responsible from conception to adulthood for the life of another human being). If I am being transparent, I will admit that my fear of commitment extends beyond relationships in that there are very few things that I start and actually see through to completion. (This is a fact, one I am not proud of but a fact none the less). My refusal to commit stems from a sense of displacement, which means I do not have expectations of being anywhere for too long, nor do I commit to certain things or projects and as a defense mechanism against the grief felt in sudden loss, departure or failure I have learned the art of non-commital. Clinical professionals would call it “borderline personality disorder” I call it being proactive in my own life. I know some are reading this and thinking, “What kind of life is that to live?” this is a very relevant question because at some point, conforming to the social norm (marriage, family, white picket fence) or settling is inevitable, right? I dislike the standard that society sets forth that if a woman is not married or in a monogamous relationship by a certain age that is destined to be on old maid or there is something wrong with her.
“I just don’t want to be in a situation where my choices are taken away from me. Will I get married? Probably. Will I have a baby? Eh, that’s up to GOD.” ~E. Rob
I had to ask myself in the sense of relationships, what is it that brings about a hesitation. It was an easy answer with a complex explanation, I simply don’t want the responsiblity of having to accountable for my actions or the feelings of another. Always being a rebel, it is doesn’t seem natural for me to have to answer to someone other than [The Most High] for my actions. Obviously you can’t come to this kind of conclusion without a little trial and error, I have had my fair share of “relationships” so figuring out what works and what doesn’t has been quite the journey. Over the years I have come to the conclusion that I can write my own rules to this thing called life and they don’t necessarily have to “fit” the mold of what others call normal. What does “normal” look like anyway. Is my journey over? Of course not, there is still a lot of living that has to be done, with living comes learning. Being one to start and never finish things is simply being a quitter, so in that regard I am fully commited (go figure) to seeing my upcoming projects through to the end, after all I can’t teach my son that it’s okay to be a quitter. Until then, I’m single and someone who have to be pretty darn amazing to change that.
“All those men who end up disappointing you. After a while, you don’t even want to have feelings anymore. You just want to get on with your life.” ~Sex and the City