Who Am I?

” Mistakes, I’ve made plenty. In this life of mine.
And I burn my bridges, here from time to time.
Sometimes I forget why I’m even here. Whether to draw on a smile or maybe even a tear.
I’ve done many things, that I know I regret. But I still don’t believe that my path is set.
I will change, I will survive, I will never grieve.
So the choice is yours, whether to discard or believe.
For I am not dead yet, I am not in the ground.
And in life I may be lost, but someday I will be found.”
~Lost in Life author Unknown~
 

A few days ago I asked the question to nobody in particular, “Who am I?” As a young woman who is vastly approaching the big 30 I find that I ask this question quite often. When you are a teenager you could care less about “who you are” you just know that you are young and that the world is your playground. Once you come into your twenties, a few things began to change as you slowly start to find yourself, you realize the things you like and dislike, slowly but surely you learn more about what makes you happy and what you want out of this thing called life. You’ve made your mistakes, learned what works and what doesn’t and now you are coming into your own. Does this mean you know who you are?  As I sat and thought long and hard about the answer to my question, I found it difficult to answer. I was able to think of all the negative characteristics I possessed but only came up with a few positives. It is human nature to adapt to others ideas and thoughts of who we are, it took my best-friend pointing out that I could only think of the bad because that’s what people often point out.

Coming into my own as an almost 30 year-old woman I am able to admit  there are some negative things people call me that I have proven to be. (I said I can admit, which is not to be confused with being proud). There are times that I am mean, complacent, evil and a BITCH non the less. At times I display a bad attitude and exhibit poor judgement, I am selfish and cold-hearted.  I could make excuses for being all of these things, but then that would make me a coward and that’s one less trait I needed added to the list. I used to claim that I was a victim of circumstance, a creation of my past situations, but how far does that train take me? (I’ve tried riding that train for almost 7 years and TRUST me I’ve gotten no place fast by doing so.) I continued to sit and think, long and hard, eventually all of the voices of those people who told me what I was and wasn’t, what I could and could not be, began to subside. Everything around me became still and at that very moment, I had an epiphany.

 

You wanna know Who I am? I’ll tell you:

I am a mother, Laethan’s Mother (And a DAMN good one at that)

I am a daughter, a sister and a friend.

I am a writer. I am a teacher. I am a student.

I am a child of Christ.

I am a lover of all things beautiful.

I am a woman who loves to laugh and enjoy making others do the same.

I am a survivor.

I am not a star, I am not a celebrity. I am ME!

Who is “me” you ask? Well non other than Brendolyn Marie.

With that being said, going forward I can no longer strive to be what or who others believe I should be. I will be happy with who I am and where I am going. Living in the purgatory of others ideals only causes misery and self-inflicted unhappiness. Change is good and often times necessary, but it has to start from within and be something you want for you.

 

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