I’ll be the first to admit that I was the one person that lived life for spontaneity. Almost everything I did was spur of the moment. To be honest a lot of the decisions I made were not well thought out, I usually made them based off the most random of things. To the people close to me they believed that the things I did were just plain pointless. In my mind however, they all made perfect sense. My most recent decision to leave my hometown and move to a new city was by far the most random off all. I will be honest and say that it wasn’t the most thought out of ideas I’d had but I knew that in the end it was what was best for me. There was always some motive behind the decisions I made, the driving force behind this one was the heartbreak I’d endured during a recent break up. I had been in a long term relationship for the past 3 years and it recently came to an end when his “other” woman called me and told me she was pregnant with his baby. Unlike most women I didn’t argue, I didn’t fight I just decided I was going to pick up and leave. I had given my all only to get nothing in return. What did I have to lose? What was I giving up? I could easily find a new job in Houston and enroll in a school down there. I didn’t have any children and most of my friends were married and had lives of their own to tend to. I sat in the middle of the nearly empty living room floor fighting off tears. I packed up my 4 room house,3 years of memories into 25 boxes and a medium sized PODS in all of 2 days. Sometimes it was just best to get a fresh start and different outlook on life. Some would say that I was running, I say I am moving on.
“Leaving isn’t going to solve your problems. They are going to follow you wherever you go.” Dee was one of the more positive people in my life. Whenever I was down it was her that lifted me back up. She did everything she could to keep me motivated and positive.
“That may be true, but I won’t know if I don’t do it now will I?” I rolled my eyes as I spoke and waited for her reply.
“You can be smart all you want, but you need to stop running from your problems and face them sweetie.” I knew what she was saying was right but I wasn’t going to admit that to her. So instead I changed the subject. “Well my flight leaves tomorrow at 6 am. It’s Southwest flight 1225. Are you taking me to the airport or not?”
“Do I have a choice? You like my lil baby and I have to make sure you okay. If you think this is going to help then I am behind you.” That’s the kind of things that I wanted and needed to hear.
“Thank you, that is all I wanted to hear. I have some more packing to do I’ll come and see you later. Love you.” With that we ended our conversation.
I was wrapping the last of my glass items when I came across a picture of me and my ex. It brought a smile to face remembering how happy he and I were at one point in our relationship. Like all relationships we had our ups and downs, but I didn’t it would ever to get to the point that he would cheat on me in such a way. I had been cut down to my soul and the only thing I could think to do was leave. I didn’t want to even be in the same city as him, I wanted to breathe a totally different oxygen than him. I hadn’t bothered telling him that I was moving, I could care less if he found out now or later. I threw the picture in the bottom of the box where I had buried many of my feelings and emotions as well. I finished the last of my packing and prepared for my early morning flight.
Unable to sleep I stayed up until it was time for Dee to pick me and take me to the airport at 4 am. I had butterflies in my stomach and a knot the size of a golf ball in my throat. I had never done anything this outrageous before and I was surprised at myself to be honest. But it was too late for regrets, I had already purchased my ticket and made arrangements with my cousin to stay with her until I got on my feet.
“I’m really going to miss you. I still think this is a little over the top, but hey.” Dee said as she helped me get my bags out of the trunk.
“I love you Dee and you can always come visit. This may be just the outlet that I need.” I could feel the tears fill the lower lids of my eyes, I didn’t even attempt to fight them. I grabbed her and held her close. She began to cry and so did I.
“Take care of you!” I said releasing myself from her embrace.
“Be cool, beans.” She said walking away to get back in her car. I watched as she pulled out of the check in area before making my way inside to check my bags in.
Just as I was headed toward my gate I heard someone calling my name. I turned around but didn’t see anyone so I continued down towards the security check point.
“Baby please don’t leave!” That voice was all too familiar and I felt my heart drop to my knees. Something inside me told me turn around but instead I continued as if I didn’t hear him.
“Babe please! We can get through this.” Was this motherfucka for real? Did he honestly think that I wanted to make anything work with him after way he had betrayed me? I stopped and turned around. He was running towards me with a handful of gardenias and yellow roses, my two favorite flowers.
“What are you doing here? Please don’t do this shit to me!” I was not about to become weak and let him sucker me in. “Who told you that I was leaving anyway?”
“It doesn’t matter. Baby I’m sorry. I know I hurt you, but is it worth leaving?” His eyes were kind and gentle like they’d been when we first met. I wanted so badly to believe him but I couldn’t the hurt was too deep.
“What do you want from me? How much more pain are you trying to bring into my life?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Why are you here?” I was growing angry by the second, just looking at him made me want to slap him.
“I want you to stay. I want you to admit that you still care.” I started to laugh, it wasn’t my intention but I couldn’t control myself. I stepped closer to him after calming down my laughter.
“I don’t give a fuck about you nor your feelings anymore!” He grabbed my arm and looked me square in the eye.
“How you gone say you don’t care? How does love so deep just go away like that?”
“Let my gotdamn arm go. You fucked up not me, live with that.” I snatched my arm from his grip and turned to walk away. I held my composure until I was seated on the plane and that’s when it all came crashing down on me. I put my head in my hands and released all of the anger inside of me.
“Welcome aboard Southwest flight 1225. With service straight through to Houston.”
I lifted my head and looked at my boarding pass, flight 1225. There was such irony in that. I sat back in the seat and prayed. I refused to break, I refused to give up, I had to move on with my life. It was time to stop allowing others to dictate my happiness I needed to take control.
10 minutes later I was staring out the window into the clouds. “Life is a mess and sometimes you have to grab a mop and start cleaning it up.”
“We are going to get through this.”