The Etta James song “Church Bells” played a continuous melody in my head, “I heard church bells ringing, I heard the choir singing.” I sat with the phone pressed against my ear , I had long since disconnected the call but I was trying to grasp what I’d just been told.
“I heard them promise to death due us part.” I closed my eyes in attempt to pause the stream of tears that were sure to come. However my efforts weren’t good enough and the tears overpowered me. I allowed the phone to slip from my hands as I used them to cover my face in helplessness and despair. I knew that I had no one to blame but myself. I was guilty of playing so many games that what had come wasn’t really a shock at all. After five years of playing cat and mouse, me being the mouse I’d finally shaken my ex and gone completely underground. It was no secret that whenever I got ready I could walk back into his life and pickup where we had last left off it had always been that way. So I would go months at a time, changing my number, ignoring emails and so fourth. I would do whatever I wanted, I clubbed, drank, kicked it with other guys until I got tired. It wasn’t until then that I would go back.
This last disappearing act lasted for a little over six months, but I allowed myself to get heartbroken by this chump I was hanging with and decided I was ready to make it official. Settle down and do the good girl housewife thing. Did I love him, sure, of course. I’d decided to call him up but to my surprise he didn’t sound the least bit happy to hear from me.
“Oh hey.” was his response when he realized it was me on the other end. That alone should have been my clue that something wasn’t right, that things had changed between us. As usual I started conversation between us but it was dry.
“So what nigga done broke your heart this time?” I had to admit he knew my M.O. Instead of responding I just sat quiet as I reminisced on the past six months. I thought about how I’d given my all only to get nothing in return. I felt my face begin to burn as the anger rose from deep inside me.
“Look I’m getting married next month.” His words were short and dull but they cut through my soul like the sharpest of knives. There were no words to speak so I sat there speechless thinking of a retort.
“Yeah I’ve finally given up on you, its time that I take care of me. It’s been five years of going nowhere. I have always given you the benefit of the doubt but it’s time that I move on.”
“Oh okay” Were the only two words I could manage to think of. Careful never to show emotion, I was not the one to ever seem weak.
“Well congratulations I’m happy for you. Whoever she is she is one lucky woman.” I was quick to end the conversation in efforts to avoid the emotions that were sure to come. “I’ll talk to you soon” with that I pounded the end button.
“All I could do, All I do was cry! I was losing the man that I loved and all I could do was cry.”
I sat in the same spot sobbing uncontrollably as the days of my life flooded my memory. Sure I’d made my mistakes, yes I’d done plenty of wrong but what had I done to deserve such a massive blow to the heart? This must’ve been my punishment for all the game playing, for all the lies and deceit. Was it too much to ask to be loved. Just as the bridge of the soulful song began to replay my phone startled me out of my trance. I answered and said nothing.
“Hey it’s me.”
“I heard church bells ringing! I heard a choir singing. I saw the man I love walk down the aisle!”